Blech

227.5
Ok, haven't been here for a few days.  I have good reason.  I had a Lumpectomy on Thursday.  Surgery is a good reason to not post, right? 
I do have to give props to the meds I am on for my lack of hunger.  Yippee. 
Although I have eaten well the last two days, it has been mostly protein and dairy.  That is good right?

Day 1?

230.5
Ok, so I thought I would start the day off right by exercising first thing this morning. 
I actually did it!  I slept in my clean workout clothes and woke up at a bright and early 4:15AM. 
I did 36 minutes of exercise.  350 some odd calories burned. 
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit, 100 calorie english muffin, 1tbsp butter, 1 tbsp jelly, Activia, and granola. 
2 cups of coffee, with 2 tbsp of creamer total and 2 sweeteners.
Lunch:
banana, broccoli, 3 oven baked chicken strips and 1/4 cup mashed potatoes (kid cafeteria meal). 1 diet soda.
Snack:
2 cookies, homemade beef jerky, 1/2 apple.
Dinner:
Chicken with pasta box meal. 
Dessert:
ice cream. 
So, I can do away with the ice cream, cookies and beef jerky.  I get that.  I have to say that I have done MUCH worse.  Although, I can do much better.
Tomorrow:
eliminate ice cream, cookies and maybe the yogurt with granola?  Hmmmm.

Sick of it...

232.5 (9:39PM)
I know a few things.
I don't like me.  I don't know if I will like me at the weight I want to be.  I don't even know what weight I want to be.  I just know that I am unhappy before I eat, during eating and after. 
I want to take the steps to build up my confidence to find the things I like and parts of me that are good. 
I wonder if I put myself out there will I find more success in my endeavor?  I can try.
So, today is my last day of fatty nothingness.
What can I do to start?  Well, I suppose this is what this blog is for.  Accountability. 
Who will read this?  I dunno. 
I am not sure what I want out of this other than trying to be happy with myself. 
Let me get to some basics that allow me to be unhappy with myself.  I am of course putting this out there because I think it may lay some large ground work of what I need to overcome. 
I love food.
I guess I can continue to love food...but, in moderation right?! 
As I write this I feel so helpless. 
H ow will I ever start?
E xauted at the amounts of times I have tried and FAILED.
L onely because I feel like NO one is there to help me.
P ositively out of control in eating.
L osing is what I am good at.
E xasperated in feeling so alone.
S eriously concerned this may not work too...
S tarting to wonder if I may feel unhappy like this FOREVER.

Wishing I can turn this into HOPEFUL.....